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As I shut down my computer before I left for London last month, I got a message embedded in the window that suggested I download ‘vital updates’ and that Windows would shut down once they are completed. Now, as default, I have automatic updates switched off due to the fact that my OS is not exactly off-the-shelf, and I see no reason to alert them to this fact by allowing them to download software onto my machine which is probably designed to weed out pirates like me. But this time, because I was in a rush to catch my train to Taipei perhaps, or because my computer had been running slow of late and I thought maybe filling up my drive with additional software would solve the problem, or just because I thought to myself that they are hardly going to send the thought police over here to a little Taiwanese city thousands of miles away from nasty old Amurca, I hit ‘OK’ and forgot about it for two weeks.

When I got home, I switched on the computer and it immediately barked out a noisy, continuous warning beep. After a few seconds, I rebooted her but the same thing happened. I even smacked her a couple of times like you would a bad dog, but the beep wouldn’t stop. Then the realization hit me. Microsoft had detected the electronic theft of one of their products and had infiltrated my computer to sabotage it and emit a horrible sound that doesn’t go away even if you unplug all the audio devices (the sound came from the machine itslf, not through the audio software). I panicked, and unplugged everything; including the ADSL lines. After a kind of jibberish process of deduction, I realised that I would need a new IP address urgently because, the way my paranoia-riddled mind was beginning to work, if I didn’t, the next attack could mean a total loss of my hard drive. Or worse; the god squad could actually be sent over from New Washington to make an example of what will happen to people who try to pirate their products. And that would probably mean deportation. …Or worse…

So, I went to the yellow shop on Beimen and bought a godfearing, gates-licked, spanking brand-new Asus notebook, on which I make this post. And with Vista shipped as standard too (although I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing). As I lovingly lay her down on my dining table and gently open her up, I gaze reminiscently over at my ex and I notice, for the first time, that a book has fallen from the shelf and lays silently across her now-disconnected keyboard. Causing, when connected, a high-pitched beep from the drive.

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